There was no other option

I walked into the mist because there was no other option. 
Where I stood was clear but stifling and my soul couldn't wake up but
surrounding me, a cloud, and yet the only hope for my soul
was to enter this great unknown.  Why do we feel safe when we are
stifled?  Why do we fear walking into a question? 

I think the simple truth that nature is circular and never fails,
is kept turning, kept moving, kept rhythmically staying true by
the God who created it,
whispers to us that we need not fear,
and that we are in greater danger from the complacent,
stifled soul than from the unknown.

I fear standing still for forty years desiring to step into the mist and
yet so afraid of what lies beyond that I never go.  I fear letting society's
values guide my life and living in a bubble of materialism,
consumerism and striving for so-called success, when just beyond is freedom.

Comes the crossroad and it's this moment that you must choose. 
Safety, complacency and soul~sickness or
the unknown and freedom?
Came my crossroad and
I walked into the mist because there was no other option.

The mist is beautiful.

"The mountains are calling and I must go." - John Muir
"I need this wild life, this freedom." - Zane Grey


The Things

1. Sometimes I don't notice the things that I should and I spend way too much time focused on those that I shouldn't.

2. I think that if most people truly knew me, they wouldn't like me all that much.

3. I think the atmosphere that we create in our homes, in our lives, is one of the most important parts of parenting, maybe of relationship in general, and that we can do so much for others if we focus on creating an atmosphere of peace, beauty and gentleness.

4. I don't think I do a good enough job of creating that atmosphere and so I beat myself up daily for that failure.

5.  My husband tells me I focus too much on atmosphere and that I am missing the beauty and joy in our everyday life because of it.

6. My stress and turmoil over not creating the atmosphere I long for and believe my children need is what causes me to not create the atmosphere.

7. I see the cycle, I get it, but wonder how to move past it.

8. The key is to realize that the atmosphere is an outside representation of my heart, my soul.  If I want an atmosphere of beauty, peace and gentleness then I need to be walking in beauty, peace and gentleness, to breathe them, to be filled with them.  As surely as the rain brings forth green, a soul filled with peace will bring forth an atmosphere of peace. 

9. I can fill my home with lovely music and art, with books, poetry and tea, with whispers, soft looks, candlelight, but there will be nothing but turmoil and chaos if I am not breathing beauty myself. 

10. As with everything, it's the pattern of life, of God's grace.  What comes from us outside is merely a representation of who we are inside.  When we fall short, our sin is not our outward behavior; our outward behavior is a symptom of the sin, which is the area where we are resistant to God on the inside. 

11. To create the ideal atmosphere for my children, my husband, and anyone else in my life, I need to focus on my own soul~care, on allowing God to move through me, to soften my heart to Him and His ways.  So focus I will.  Who's with me?


If... I may name him Wolf

I'm not dancing and yet,
I twirl.
There is a moon glowing and it speaks my name and
I can't quite breathe when it grasps me like that,
demanding to be seen, heard, known.

Sometimes I make mistakes and they keep me spinning and
nothing makes sense until
the moon.
January's full moon was called the wolf moon and
I remembered how I spun,
overtaken with anxiety or remorse or something else and
that yellow light held me and
if I was a wolf I would have howled, so yes,
I understand your name, wolf moon.

If I ever have another son I may name him Wolf.

I lost my voice, the one that writes,
and now I can do nothing but let the words flow and
I think that may be okay,
for now.
Rat and Mole sailed down the river and
my words sail and there is peace and
chaos combined and
oh, yes,
that is life, isn't it?
The combination of those forces which oppose and yet,
when viewed under the captivating light of
full moon,
wolf moon,
they connect as gently as rain,
creating the beauty in the daily.  We can howl,
oh yes,
we can howl and welcome and be free and
we can live.

And as we live God whispers through it all,
I am that I am.  Come to Me. 
And as the moon glows and the wolves howl and
we twirl, He holds us up and together,
moon, wolf, man
just stops.
And bows at His beautiful feet. 

If I ever have another son I may name him Wolf.