I haven't been writing much.
You may have noticed.
Honestly, Instagram kind of killed my blog, I admit it.
I'm going to try and get back to it though, I really am.
This is my attempt.
I'm going to be totally honest right now.
I love hospitality. Opening my home, baking for people, offering fellowship and a place of comfort;
these things fill my heart. And yet?
I hate it too. I have had to come to a place where I can admit this and I feel like such a horrible person.
I think it may be my introversion that makes hospitality so difficult for me.
I like my peace, my comfort, my privacy, my rhythms, and having an open door home is not really compatible with my comforts. In theory, I'm all in. Someone is in need? My door is open. You need a place to stay? We will make room. Hungry? I'll make extra.
But then they come. And I'm fine. Things are lovely as long as I can take care of them and not have to talk too much.
At some point though, my heart starts to pound and it becomes hard to breathe. I'm thrown so far out of my comfort zone that I stop being hospitable and start being rude.
I always talk about how I would love to live in community. Shared land, shared kitchen, shared garden. And then my husband reminds me that I can't even handle people in my home for any length of time,
so how would I ever live in community? Kind of like how I always talk about how much I would love to
travel full time, driving around the country with our children in an rv, and he reminds me that I hate being away from home for even a day or two.
It's like I have these ideals, these things that I know are good and right, but I cannot live up to them.
And I know the grace of God is sufficient for my shortcomings but still. It just kind of shows me that I'm not the person that I think I should be. I know God made me an introvert for a reason but I also know He wants me to be hospitable, kind, loving, welcoming. I need to learn how to balance the two.
I don't have any answers, just the realization of the need for balance. What do I need to do to maintain my comfort and sense of peace while being hospitable? I'll be thinking about this for awhile. In the meantime, if you happen to come to my house, please know that I want you there. I want to shower you with kindness, I want to serve you. But if you notice me get a little short, if you notice that I stop engaging well, please know that I still want you there. I'm just struggling with the balance and need to learn to breathe.