this past week i have been utterly consumed by loneliness.
it crept in from nowhere and quickly grabbed hold of my
heart, sucking it dry.
i was in tears before noon.
soul strangling loneliness whispered in my ears
my days, drawing me in deeper.
loneliness led to doubt and
i doubted my every word, thought, action, dream, desires.
doubting myself in parenting, in friendships, in homemaking.
doubting my writing and my passions,
doubting our movement towards organic church.
i was a mess.
a mess of loneliness and doubt.
i seriously feel bad for anyone who was around me last week
for i was just a bundle of
sorrow and tears.
my children hugged me constant,
read me stories,
brought me water, brought me tea.
the twins rubbed my hair and
moses sat with me on the rocking chair and told me
"i rock you mama."
pearl gave me kiss after kiss after kiss.
i finally snapped out of it.
the last book my ruthie "read" me
was ox cart man,
she sat by my side and made up the story,
telling me they had a "love love family just like we have a
love love family"
and it dawned on me...
look at what my babes had done for me this week.
they had loved on me,
to comfort me,
to help me in all the ways
i do them.
when they are sad or angry,
when they make bad choices or
can't calm down
i snuggle them close,
read to them,
rub their hair,
give them water or tea,
kiss them unending.
doubt lifted off me when i saw that
they were learning how to love.
they showered compassion upon the hurting,
all of their own volition.
and it's what we had poured into them
all these years
and now I was
tasting the fruit of
that sweet love and
how could I
so I've been waking up today,
feeling like suffocating,dark fog is
fading, revealing beauty always present but
doubt is gone, Peace is here.
and the loneliness?
I'll be honest and say it
ebbs and flows,
but for now it's at bay.
contentment has returned,
delight in family and
and I'm just sitting here,
rocking a sleeping wee one, listening to all son's and daughters,
breeze kissing from open windows.
Peace is so heavy and I am deeply thanking God
those moments of loneliness and doubt.
peace wouldn't be so lovely,
life wouldn't be so sweet.