Saturday

to doubt and then wake up

this past week i have been utterly consumed by loneliness.
it crept in from nowhere and quickly grabbed hold of my
heart, sucking it dry.
daily,
i was in tears before noon.
soul strangling loneliness whispered in my ears throughout
my days, drawing me in deeper.
loneliness led to doubt and
i doubted my every word, thought, action, dream, desires.
doubting myself in parenting, in friendships, in homemaking.
doubting my writing and my passions,
doubting our movement towards organic church.

i was a mess.
a mess of loneliness and doubt.
i seriously feel bad for anyone who was around me last week
 for i was just a bundle of
sorrow and tears.
my children hugged me constant,
read me stories,
brought me water, brought me tea.
the twins rubbed my hair and
moses sat with me on the rocking chair and told me
"i rock you mama."
pearl gave me kiss after kiss after kiss.

i finally snapped out of it.
the last book my ruthie "read" me
was ox cart man,
she sat by my side and made up the story,
telling me they had a "love love family just like we have a
love love family"
and it dawned on me...
look at what my babes had done for me this week.
they had loved on me,
to comfort me,
to help me in all the ways
i do them.
when they are sad or angry,
when they make bad choices or
can't calm down
i snuggle them close,
read to them,
rub their hair,
rock them,
give them water or tea,
kiss them unending.

doubt lifted off me when i saw that
they were learning how to love.

they showered compassion upon the hurting,
all of their own volition. and it's what we had poured into them
all these years and now I was
tasting the fruit of that sweet love and
how could I doubt anymore?

so I've been waking up today,
feeling like suffocating,dark fog is
fading, revealing beauty always present but
rarely glimpsed.
doubt is gone, Peace is here.

and the loneliness?
I'll be honest and say it ebbs and flows,
but for now it's at bay.
contentment has returned,
delight in family and
sweet friends-so-dear-though-far.
and I'm just sitting here,
rocking a sleeping wee one, listening to all son's and daughters,
breeze kissing from open windows.
Peace is so heavy and I am deeply thanking God for
those moments of loneliness and doubt.
without them, peace wouldn't be so lovely,
life wouldn't be so sweet.




4 comments:

  1. Amy,
    Love to you. I think many of us know that feeling of isolation that visits from time to time. Your children are wonderful people and you are a wonderful mama. I have a quote on my refrigerator by Black Elk that is a nice reminder for me to disregard the voices of discouragement, although it is not always easy to do. "Be attentive and have no fear; but pay no attention to any bad thing that may come and talk to you." Blessings to you and your loved ones this week!

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  2. Carson McCullers for loneliness. You might not feel happier, but you'll feel less lonely. Love you.

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  3. Thanks for being real and sharing your thoughts and fears. There is power in vulnerability... It is not weakness, as some would think of weakness.

    Grace,
    L

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  4. First of all (((hugs))) & tea and cake & all that good stuff :)
    You are not alone, sometimes it seems and has seemed the loneliness will overwhelm. It can make you feel upside down, back to front and very vulnerable.
    But you have such a beautiful family and they will always be there for you as you are for them :)
    You are strong in who you are and you are brave enough to speak the truth from your heart. That is such a breath of fresh air in this world you know :)
    xx

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