to be a former shoegazer who now smiles

I smile.
There is so, so much good,
so much to smile about.
Once I was that teenage shoegazer,
the one cloaked in sorrow,
listening to the cure, bathing in tears.
I spent hours locked in poster covered bedroom,
scribbling poetry and drowning in mind.
From therapist to therapist,
hospital to hospital,
anti-depressants to anti-anxiety medication,
I had no hope for the future and was imprisoned by
my own emotions and fears.

Desperate for attention, for affirmation,
pining for something real, good and true
I caused pain, worry and turmoil but
I just couldn't help myself.
I was lost in hopelessness and confusion and
could see no reason to smile.

I have trouble finding a reason not to.
From blooming irises to
Ian's college acceptance letter,
dark chocolate covered pretzels to
the music of the cure (hey, I still love them!)
Giggling littles to big children maturing,
life moving on, a river flowing,
unknown turns and yet, still flowing...

So so much to smile about.
When I was 17 and found The Reason to smile,
I took my bottles of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and
threw them away.
And all was good. I could smile,
I had hope, I had an answer to my overwhelming
emotions and fears.
I was free.
And I have never looked back.

''The year's at the spring
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hillside's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his heaven—
All's right with the world!''
-Robert Browning 


  1. Dear Amy,

    I am visiting via your comment at Cultivating Home.
    My chiluns are sick today, so I spent all of naptime holding a sleeping baby and reading your blog. I've enjoyed getting to know you very much;
    have been blessed by your passion for Jesus, the body of Christ, and your family!
    I can't remember all the posts which particularly tickled me, but I ended on the one which you detailed your day of homeschool. I have some fresh inspiration and really appreciate you taking the time to detail it out as you did.
    Most of all, I'm just sitting here smiling at the greatness of God in creating such beautiful diversity in people. Those who love Jesus even when every so-called identity is stripped away impress me the most. My family is another one of those not-to-be-boxed types, and I love love LOVE meeting others! Not because you and I would have so much in common, but that if we met we'd have the most important One in common. I learn so much about my Lord because of those who see things from a different vantage than I usually do. It's wonderful and amazing and Oh so edifying!
    And it really makes me long for Heaven :-)

    Anyway, thank you for sharing yourself.
    It was a pleasure to meet you today.

    1. Aw thank you! I love to *meet*other similar minded mamas! Hope to get to know you more.

  2. What a lovely comment by Momma Bug. I also very much appreciate your honesty here. My husband who was my good friend when I was a teen (we lost contact and married 20+ years later)has often commented on how back then I looked at the ground all of the time. I had many of the same struggles that you have shared with depression in those days, and have been amazed at what "living" feels like. Such a gift. This space is a gift, so thank you.