Wednesday

to be an affirmation junkie

i am going to tell you one of my biggest faults.
i am an affirmation junkie.
i need encouragement and support or
i get anxious and feel like i suck.

it's ridiculous really.
i mean,
i am affirmed by Christ and
that should be enough.  and,
technically,
it is.
but then there's the flesh and
the emotions and
i have always worn my heart on my sleeves,
to be taken and loved or
stabbed repeatedly.

that's why i was a fraud as a teenager.
i was desperate for attention, for affirmation.
and though my motivations have changed and
i know that i have all i need,
i still get anxious over not being enough,
not doing enough,
not being accepted or loved.

and that's why i am a chronic deleter here on the blog.
i write things that kind of tear up my insides and
i don't want to offend,
i want to encourage and make people think and
if no one responds,
or the responses are anywhere near negative,
i delete.
i have deleted numerous posts and have had people
email me and ask where the posts have gone.
they tell me they loved it or needed it and
i up and chucked it.
because i was afraid due to lack of affirmation.

i'm not telling you to comment more or
tell me you love me.
i'm telling you my problem.
and i need to get over it.
i need to know that just because i'm not number one
or
being told how awesome i am
{and i know, i'm awesome :)}
or just because no one said they loved the dinner i made them or
anything else,
that doesn't mean i suck.
i need to get over this.

because my identity is in Christ.
and that makes me pretty cool.
and all i do is for Him,
and if it's not then it's crap anyway and
i shouldn't be doing it.

so i'm going to try not to be such an affirmation junkie.
and if you want to pray for peace for my heart,
that would be cool too.
and if you're an affirmation junkie like me,
i'll pray for you.

5 comments:

  1. Ok, so I switched to disqus for a really long while, but--after Google added the "reply" option--I decided to ditch disqus. So now it looks like I blogged for a really long time, and no one cared or commented, and it bothers me. Does that help? Also, you deleted a post that I was unsure about and processing (I said so.), and that I felt just awful about it. So deleting stuff really might mess with people's heads. At the same time, I think people blog differently. Some people work things out through blogging. Maybe we all do to a certain extent, but I have more of a tendency, I think, to write it out. Which is to say that I've already thought it all through and am ready to assign my name to it for eternity. I've deleted only one post, and it was a silly little thing; I'd shared something someone else had written that I thought was ridiculous in a hilarious sort of way. But, later, I felt yucky about it, like maybe he wasn't trying to be hilarious? so I deleted. But anyway. I will pray for you, and you can pray for me, too, b/c I will always take all the prayers I can get, yes ma'am. Love you.

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    Replies
    1. *and I felt just awful about it (no that)

      Oh, and maybe I should say I don't think there's anything wrong w/ blogging to process and didn't mean to imply so; it's just not really my way, overall.

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    2. Thank you brandee. Love ya. And I remember the post... wish I hadn't deleted. I should have at least saved it in draft. Oh well... learning.

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  2. It could be that your love language is words of affirmation and there's nothing wrong with that. Have you ever read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It's good.

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    Replies
    1. i did but years ago. maybe i should look into it again.

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