Wednesday

to really suck and then get humbled

so.
i have been immensely pathetic this past week.
really.
granted with a beautiful opportunity to bless
with hospitality and open arms i
have failed
miserably.
all my talk about loving,
serving,
doing and
when it comes down to it
i find myself
the biggest hypocrite of all.

someone in desperate need and
i found myself resentful for
their bad habits,
their negative lifestyle affecting ours,
and my husband,
quietly,
reminding me,
"of course they have bad habits,
that is why they are in this position.
that doesn't change a thing.
regardless of who they are and
what they do,
we need to show them love,"
and i found myself muttering frustrations
instead of breathing prayers for
this person,
and my body tensing up instead of
arms opening wide
when they walked into the room.
and i couldn't write.
i couldn't tap out words about loving
when my heart was so cold and
my mind so filled with angst and resentment.

when i posted a photo on friday reminding you all
to love
it was more a reminder for myself. 
because i knew i needed to.
but i just couldn't.

and then
we had a minor crisis.
{thank you amy for prayers}
just a small, momentary crisis
but it humbled me.
sincerely.
and i poured forth tears of gratitude
for mercy and
tears of sorrow for pride and resentment and
tears of deep.
deep.
repentance.
humbled.
knowing, finally,
i am no better than he.
we are no better.
our lives may look different,
our filth may take a different route,
but it's still there.
and we are no better.

"for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

and so i have begun again.
this loving thing.
i have been humbled and come
empty handed,
broken,
whimpering to
the foot of the cross,
and i have cried at His feet
and He has lifted me and
taken my hand and led me on,
and He has washed my filth and
clothed my nakedness with garments
white,
and i,
i stand as one
torn and then healed and
i look at the one in need and
open my arms.
because He opened His arms to me
and loved me anyway.
and He teaches me
to love.





6 comments:

  1. It always seems the way that when we set out to do something, we are challenged in it. I know I am. It's the way of growing. Praise God you saw it. Some never do. That was a gift from Him. I think it's cool how the Lord used your husband to speak to you. I noticed that with my guy, too. When one of us is down, the other is there to urge us on. Christ in between that beautiful 3-ply chord.

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  2. This happens to me all the time. Thank you for this graceful and grace filled reminder of what matters most :)

    xx

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  3. I'm terrible at loving. Truly awful. I need to be humbled over and over again and reminded how deeply loved and forgiven I am.

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  4. I hate being humbled. Yes, I'll say it OUT LOUD. I hate it. But I need it. And I guess you did, too. But Amy - you are far and away one of the most love-filled voices out here, a voice that is rich and beautiful and NECESSARY. So take heart, dear heart. You are seen, valued, loved. Even when you need humbling now and again. Maybe especially then.

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  5. I have done this SO MANY TIMES. I write it, because I desperately want to live it, I believe it! But the moment comes and there are so many good reasons not to love and so many excuses... Yes, I know. Sometimes I think I just can't get any more humbled than I've already been, so humiliated by my own sin. But then another opportunity arises. :)

    I do so love your heart, friend. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I'm trying to put things back in order, get back to my old haunts, the people I love.

    Thank you for your honesty as always.

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  6. This post really touches me. Honest, sweet, full of Jesus love. And oh how I can relate. Always and forever, there's so much learning and growing to do, isn't there? What a wonderful husband you have.

    xSusan

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