Wednesday

to be wanted and to want

we used to sing under star filled skies,
voices joined together bringing john denver,
neil young and other folk singers into our
bed time routine.
and i was always enamored by my daddy and
his song,
floating away in what i thought was the most
beautiful
voice,
and i would wonder why he became a lawyer and
not a singer and
once he whispered to me,
"it's because i wanted you."

and he did,
want me.
through all the turmoil and upheavel
divorce, moves, remarriages,
i never doubted
being wanted.
i knew i was loved.

and when the later years began and
blood ran from cuts down arms and
stomach remained empty for days,
when over emotional teenager sat on
couch after couch and
listened to doctor after doctor,
i still knew.
and they always said i was searching,
i was lonely,
i felt abandoned and
unwanted and
i always told them,
no.
i am wanted.
i am loved.
they tried to convince me all my problems
were rooted
in divorce,
but i said no.
my daddy loved me.
my mama loved me.
my step parents loved me.
and they all
wanted me.

i knew i was loved.
i just didn't know i was loved
by my Creator,
my Father and those doctors,
they never asked about that.

but i learned.
and when i did,
all those emotional outbursts and actions,
they fled.
they fled when His love broke through,
broke through heart which bled in desperation and
soul that was starved,
emaciated from lack of communion with the Lover of my soul.

i knew i was loved.
i knew i was wanted.
by mama,
by daddy and
by Him.

i called my daddy the other day.
just to say hello.
i didn't leave a message but when he saw
the missed call he ran out of
his deposition to return it.
he asked if everything was okay.
because he loves me.
when i assured him that it was and
i was just saying hello he told me
he would call later.
then he asked, {half}joking,
"are you pregnant?!"
ha!
nope, but...
mine are loved.
mine are wanted.
by me, by their daddy,
by Him.

and i will make sure they always
know it.




6 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Love you, precious friend. xo

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  2. Oh my what a wonderful post...
    my own 'daddy' very ill and me not ever knowing 'his love for me'...leaves a hole... an empty place yes it is filled by my heavenly father, but oh the joy it would be to hear from him, 'I love you or I appreciate you' Or I am sorry.

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  3. o how awesome! to be loved by all and to still have a daddy, and a great one at that. i don't want to be jealous but i might be just a little :)
    and aren't we all happy those emotional teenage years are done and gone with!
    i love your realness.
    vicki here btw. yes, again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. this was beautiful amy...what a blessing to be loved this way by an earthly father! and yes, it is truly about "his love breaking through" that gets us to where we need to be going. at least it was for me!

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