Tuesday

to be held

most mamas know these moments,
but this one,
this night,
opened eyes to sunrise and
left me speechless.
it was at the end of one of those days,
those endless days of tears held in
when every child yelled,
hit,
cried,
fought and
nothing got done.
one of those days where
mama scrubbed the stove for an hour
only to spill dinner all over it,
and children
wanted nothing to do with each other.
one of those days where night was
a haven
beckoning yet
moving further away as
the day moved on,
when bed would be a comfort,
if
i could ever reach it.

one of those days when
i finally got the little ones settled,
baby fell asleep on me and
as i lay her down
toddler wakes up
sobbing and
won't calm down.
until i take him to my room and wrap him tight in arms
and he dozes so i creep out to
find
four year old standing in bed and
she doesn't want to go to sleep she
just wants mama to lay with her and
so i do and
as she drifts off baby wakes
and i rock her and
put her down again
right as
toddler
is crying in my room.

and i take a breath and
whisper prayers as
i go back to the bed,
to the boy,
and wipe tears and
hold him close.
every time i think he is out
i try to let go and
leave
but he cries out again
"mama"
and i hold him and
he calms.
as i sit there with him in my arms,
looking at his beautiful,
peaceful face
i realize
he just wants to know
i
am
here.
that's all that matters.
he can rest,
if he knows i'm here.


and then body shivers as
realization dawns that
i am him,
we are him.
we fight,
we scream,
we cry out,
we beg...
just to know that He is here.
my heart aches,
i crawl along through every step of life
lost and
overwhelmed until
i know
He is here,
His arms are wrapped tightly around me
just
holding me
so i
can
rest.

and as i hold my boy
i bathe his face in tears for
i know he feels peace,
security
wrapped up in me and i
feel it
concurrently,
peace,
security,
wrapped up in the Loving Arms of
my
Father.


1 comment:

  1. This is SO beautiful... you have a gift of love, of compassion and writing too.

    ReplyDelete