and so it goes...





it's a bit earlier than usual,
but little miss pink pearl
has been
trying to take our food and
is even getting teeth and so
this mama baked and then pureed
some sweet potato for
this little one and

be still my heart.
this all goes way


to turn 17

you was just a little guy
when i met you and i
wasn't even out of my teens
and in
your squeaky voice you asked me,
"are you going to be my mom?"
and yes,
yes i was.

and we have since grown into a large,
beautiful family and
you have since grown into a wise,
amazing young man and
today you turn 17 and
how can this be?
and i know you will be fine,
when you are off and on your own
although you might not know what to do
without little ones to snuggle and
little hands to hold,
without a house full of people to
battle ideas and thoughts with into the night,
and when you cook dinner
you will cook too much but
at least you will know how to cook...
and i know i'm getting ahead of myself,
you still have one more year before you head off
to college,
into that next phase,
stream flowing into river,
yet i cannot help but think
how quickly
this year will go
so we will try and go slow
this year, relishing every moment
and will laugh when you tell us how,
one day,
we will have to interview for your future wife,
making sure to find a God loving woman
who has a brain and
understands {and is fine with} the fact that
you will name your first daughter
{after agnes in david copperfield}
and when we find someone who loves that name,
you know she will be the one.
so let's take it slow this year,
i know it will be over soon.

and have a wonderful birthday my son,
i am so so pleased with who
you have become.


to be wooed daily

i spin as
wind blows hair around
face into
eyes and mouth and
this is His breath,
these are His whispers and
He woos and
i fall
again and
i sit and feel
crisp air kissing
neck and
tears well and fall
for how can i not
be overwhelmed by this,
His love?
and as darkness falls and
His jewels begin to
light up sky
i stand amazed and
this is everyday,
and His love is
proclaimed again
and it is unending and
why do we hate the repetitiveness
of life,
for it is His artwork,
His wooing,
His letter of love
and He sends it constant,
never failing
and what enamored soul would not
desire to be wooed,
to be shown such love

to imagine autumn...

today quiet has settled over our little home,
though filled with children they
have occupied themselves with games and
activities and
i snuggle baby and
sip coffee and read and
prepare for a weekend of company.
and may i just whisper a bit of gratitude for
overcast, crisp windy day?
it has been so {dreadfully} warm
here lately and
today God has blessed so
with a hiatus from that weather,
and if i didn't know any better
i would think autumn was upon us
{unfortunately i do know better :)}
and oh my,
the door just opened and
the scent of rain is flowing in...
i am enjoying,
literally drinking in,
every moment of this delightful day.

and if you would like,
here's a bit of what has been cooking over here lately,
a bit of finished projects...

free picture frame, 
spray painted,
josiah's finger knitting hung on it,
loaded with photos

finished sewing these curtains
to cover my used to be open closet

and this frame, also free,
which i covered by wrapping scraps of fabric
around it, 
in the center

magnolias finally in bloom outside
our front windows

and this little baby,
whom i just cannot get enough of

hope your weekend is filled to the brim,
with peace and love

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

joining amanda


to let scars speak

i cut my wrists with a tube of toothpaste.
i was 17,
{and yes a lot happened when i was 17}
and in the white walled, locked door
psychiatric hospital for the
second time.
they took everything even remotely dangerous
when i arrived,
including the drawstring from my
blue polar bear pajama pants,
which broke them and i never wore them again,
and when you're a teenage girl in a hospital
and all you want is attention,
and all you know about getting attention is to
do something damaging,
you find any means to do so...
and so i found a tube of toothpaste and
the end of it was a tad sharp,
and it worked surprisingly well
i still have a faint scar running across my wrist.

it didn't exactly work for receiving attention though.
apparently the people who worked in the hospital
were used to stuff like that,
and since it wasn't bad enough to warrant
medical care they
told me i was stupid and put me on
some restrictions.
made hospital life a bit unbearable for a little while.
guess it wasn't much worth it.
but the cut was fantastic in my eyes until
the day a new patient arrived with
robin smith hair and eyeliner,
and he looked like a walking cure song,
and i loved the cure so
i immediately took to him and
when he was introduced he
told us to call him tear and
showed us the cuts on his arm and,
what's an infatuated teen mental patient to do?
i cried out,
"your cuts are so much prettier than mine!"

and it became somewhat of a game for us,
this sharing of scars and stories of
what we had done and
why we had been deemed crazy,
and we all found a bond,
us bunch of attention seeking kids,
whose souls were empty and crying
out to God,
and yet didn't know we were
crying out to Him,
we just knew that we were empty...

it wasn't long after i left that hospital that
Christ caught up with me and
gave me all the real, thirst quenching attention
a girl could ever need,
taking the tattered linen of my soul and
mending it beautiful and
a year later,
after my life had changed,
tear came to visit me and
saw the change and
questioned me.
he told me i had become exceedingly beautiful,
that peace and i had found a way
to coexist,
to become one,
and it was, in his words,
and how could he get some
of what
i had found?
i told him of Christ,
that Peace and i were friends,
that we had found one another and
made a symphony of light,
of love.
he told me i was crazy,
took the next train home and
never spoke to me again.

and don't our scars remind us of the broken,
places we once dwelt in?
don't they whisper to us in the darkness,
remember you are loved,
you have been filled?

i sit and look at scars,
and i remember friends and
stories and days of brokenness.
my scars speak of
who i was,
but His scars tell me
who i am.



enter peace, exit chaos

after last week,
i was in desperate need of some

"if the vessel of our soul is still tossed with winds and storms, let us awake the Lord, who reposes in it, and He will quickly calm the sea."
-Brother Lawrence

so i settled in with this pile of books,

a cup of coffee,
and this baby...

i spent some time sewing curtains
to become my closet door

and trying to figure out who wrote this
with our scrabble letters...
{it was layla}

"the kingdom is in your midst with your children.  be where they are and the kingdom is near."
-mark buchanan, spiritual rhythm
we ended the night,
cool breeze kissing our necks,
all of us
eating a supper of brown rice and broccoli on
back porch while the
evening darkened during
magnificence of solar eclipse.
and there

"beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them.  the least we can do is try to be there."
-annie dillard, pilgrim at tinker creek


to explain the controversy

ok so i am still getting messages about my controversial post
which i took down,
but i decided there were enough rumors and questions
so i should at least explain some things...
don't read this if you don't care because
i'll probably just make you mad but
if you had any questions about that post,
then go ahead and read and maybe it will answer them...

1. i do not think we should "do away with our history"
  • i love the history of america. i think it is a beautiful, inspirational story.  i teach my children history using old history books so that they can hear the real story, not some watered down, politically correct version of history.  
  • i do think that many of the founder's were christian.  that is pretty clear if you read their original writings.  i also think many had the intention of making america a land where people were free to worship {or not worship} God in their own way.  i also believe {and this is pretty clear from their writings as well} that they knew it would not last.  that they knew man was man and eventually would undo what they had worked so hard for.
  • i do not think that a nation's founder's beliefs has anything to do with the nation.  i am grateful for what those men and women gave, sacrificed and believed.  i think their intentions were noble and beautiful and that they accomplished much, but in the end that doesn't make america a christian nation.
2. i do not think we should "do away with the flag"
  •  i think the flag is a beautiful symbol of our history and our home.
  •  i think many christians have a misplaced allegiance, giving the flag as much honor, respect and glory as they do the Holy Bible {and sometimes more}
  • a beautiful symbol which we should keep for as long as we are a country, and yet still, just a piece of material... not a Holy object deserving of our reverence.
3. i do not hate america.
  • i love my home.
  • i love the freedoms we have here that many places do not have.
  • i would not want to live anywhere else {except maybe canada. or ireland. or next door to suzy in britain... but for purely selfish and fun reasons}
  • i am not anti america or anti flag {a shout out to a band i used to listen to when i was a young punk rock girl}
4. i do not think it is wrong for christians to like america.
  • i think it is great for people to be appreciative for the place they live and to thank God for it.
  • i, personally, have been around many christians who feel and/or act like being a patriotic american is part of being a christian.  they wear flags, they spend more time talking about america than God, they talk about america being a "chosen country," even "the new zion", and they feel like we are a special people, set apart and favored.   if you do not fit into this catergory, then i'm clearly not talking about you.  
  • i think it is wrong for christians to say "love God and country."  for everything else in life we are to love God, then... example: love God, then family.  love God, then others.  if you don't love God first, you can't really love anything else.  but when it comes to america, patriots put country up there with God by saying love God AND country. {and yes, i realize this may not be what they mean, but it is still what many people hear and i think it is wrong.}
5. i do not think america is a chosen country.
  • a few people gave me the "what about israel" argument.  israel was chosen, the Messiah went to israel, etc.  that has absolutely nothing to do with america. and, i want to humbly ask, so what?  
  • please remember that israel was originally a people, NOT a place.  God gave a land to the people, but israel was the people.
  •  throughout history israel has not been a free country... it has been displaced, ruled over, beaten down, attacked...  i believe israel is a shadow of what God offers us... the people being His people, us and the promised land, zion, being a shadow of Heaven, eternity with Him.  and in our lives we are attacked, displaced, beaten down, we fall... and yet our hope still lies in Him and we know that the Promised Land is ours.  it really has nothing to do with a country... let's remember that the pharisees thought it had to do with a country too.  that the Messiah had come to defeat the romans.  but it had nothing to do with that.  it was true life He was offering, and still is.
6. if you still consider me backwards and a heathen, so be it.  i worship Christ and thank Him for my home, i pray for Him to bless the rest of the world as He has our country.  i also know that at just a word from Him, this entire country can crumble in a heart beat.  yet i will survive.  because my hope is in Him, not a country.

song for saturday

i. love. music.
i think it is a beautiful gift from God and
when you find the really good stuff
you just need to share.
so that's what i'm going to do on saturdays.
{share some with me too, i love finding new bands}

jon foreman- instead of a show
{see amos 5:21-24}


we need each other

"But now ask the beasts, and let them teach you;   And the birds of the heavens, and let them tell you. "Or speak to the earth, and let it teach you;  And let the fish of the sea declare to you. "Who among all these does not know That (A)the hand of the LORD has done this,
in observing His creation we learn
about ourselves.

in watching the garden,
water pouring as the heavens open,
plants sprouting up seemingly out of nowhere,
we learn that we are needy and
He provides.

watching His waters roll out and back in,
breaking along the shore,
we learn that we are loved
by Him

birds flying in the blue ocean above,
geese, together, in a v,
and i remember how desperate we are,
how we need each other.
how we were made to hold each other up,
to walk alongside,
to love and support...

What scientists have learned about why geese fly in a "V" formation... As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following it. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own.
Whenever a goose falls out of formation it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone.
When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back in the wind and another goose flies point. 
The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.
Finally, when a goose gets sick or injured and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow the bird down to help or protect the injured bird. They stay until the goose can fly or is dead, then launch out to catch up with the group.

there are people i love,
people who inspire me,
who hold me up,
who whisper words which help me wake up again,
who encourage and
support and
walk with me,
and i am in such need and
picks me up again...
because we do need each other,
He created us to need each other...

when we look to the birds,follow the examples He had given us
in His breathtaking creation,
we soar,
we need each other...

thank you friends,
for honking
for me 
because i need you

quotes from this site


to see in color

i am a foolish person.
i think too much.
when things are black and white
i try to find all the colors
of the rainbow.
when someone thinks of something
as one, two, three,
i count up to one hundred.
i cannot help it.
i do not see things the way most people do.
i think,
i ponder,
i dream,
i question,
i write.
sometimes i think i am all alone on this
tiny planet,
there is no one
not one
who sees as i do,
not one
who understands
my mind,
my ways.
i ramble and
cannot turn off my thoughts and
my thoughts turn to prayers,
without ceasing and
i cry without warning and
i laugh when it is inappropriate to laugh
and you can read me like a book for
my emotions are impossible for me to hide
and where are You Friend who gets me?
where are You when world swims to shore and
i float alone?
there You are,
treading water beside me for
You get me.
You get my color in the black and white,
the one hundred in the few,
You hear my thoughts,
my ramblings,
my dreams as
prayers and
You whisper back,
"it's okay, you're not alone."
and i'm not.
when everyone swims off,
You are here.
and You are all I need. 
You give me eyes to see in color.