Wednesday

one thing i learned when i got married

i never knew i was so selfish until i got married.

my entire life,
everyone always told me how nice i was,
talking to everyone,
befriending anyone,
always smiling.
yes,
i really was the nicest girl i knew.


and then i got married.
and he doted on me,
telling me the act of love was serving,
and he did.
serve me.
working long hours,
coming home to see what he could do for me,
how he could help me,
he showed me how to love and i
drank it up.
i thought i was such a great wife,
my husband always put me and my needs,
my wants,
in front of his and i thought it must be because i
was
so
great.


but i never asked him what he wanted.
i never paid attention to what he needed.
i just kept on letting him serve me.
and when he was tired and napped i went in the bedroom
and begged him to get up
because i was lonely and
if he wanted to go somewhere or do something
i complained because
i didn't enjoy it and
if he asked something of me that i really didn't want to do
i scoffed, sighed, rolled my eyes because i shouldn't have to do it,
i wasn't the one who wanted it done.

and then one day i heard myself,
complaints rolling off tongue, a knife in the heart,
and lump rose in chest for this wasn't me,
was it?
i thought i was the nicest person
ever
yet here i was discovering the deep pit of
selfishness which lived in me,
breathed in me,
to think i wouldn't even let my hardworking husband
take a nap.

and so i climbed,
ever so slowly,
out of that pit,
trying desperately to let him rest,
to ask what he needed,
to just let him
go,
and it's amazing when you learn that the kindness which
got you through life was
all on the surface;
deep down there are these black stains that reek,
inching their way up until something happens and they
just pour out of you and you see
who you truly are
and why you really need
grace
and for me,
that something was marriage and
those stains are selfishness and
i must drink in that grace in constant gulps or
else i'm black as the abyss.

10 comments:

  1. This really spoke to me, today, Amy. Thank you.

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  2. um...yes. me too. thank you, amy.

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  3. oh amy your words..... they echo something my own Beloved told me once... how secure i was in how i "deserved" all his serving, and i was mad and then hurt and then humbled. he saw me for who i was and loved me, served me, and i just drank it up like it was mine to own. oh, grace. how it makes me weep. i am learning, still.

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  4. Thank you for your honesty and your open heart Amy:) This was so beautiful. I could feel it mentoring me and softening me as I read it. I am on this path too :)

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  5. Such an amazing post!!! Indeed you touched the meaning of love...serving. Yes, but service to each other in kindness and compassion!!! Well said!!! Csthy

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  6. Beautiful words of love for your man who 'loved you' from the beginning, and beautiful picture too, (love the baby wrapped in a blanket, such sweetness).

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  7. Yes, us girls...'there is life or death in the tongue' we sure have a time with this one don't we? This is where I am too, it sure makes a happier man when we become aware...

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  8. First of all, the new picture up on your blog of your precious Pearl is just beautiful.

    Second, I realize I am a big bundle of hormones right now, being in my third trimester and all, but oh my. This post made me cry.

    I completely relate. What a beautiful lesson to learn.

    xo

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  9. This is an awesome post. Love - I never knew how selfish I was until I got married! I can so relate. I need to serve more and take my eyes off me. Thanks for the great reminder and words.

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  10. Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life

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