Thursday

to learn the love of a f(F)ather

Wind blows hard on my neck,
and I shiver fierce, laugh aloud and I wonder
is this Papa's way of playing, tickling me,
His child?
I close green eyes and breathe moment in,
Him, me, here, us, play,
I can feel Him, I know Him and
here is safe, is peace.

And all is broken with yells from house,
carried down the street,
ringing out above the roar of car engines and hungry call of jays overhead.
I gather self, fighting against urge to stay in this peace,
but how can I stay when there is no peace for
the sensitive artist child howling loud over minor frustrations?
I must go in, try to ease this storm...
Whispered prayers pour forth while I make way from
contentment to chaos,
"Jesus, You know what he needs.  Show us, guide us now, in this moment,
for his good."
Door closes and I see my sweet boy crying, yelling,
desperate for an end to his frustrations,
frustrations which no one knows but him.
Husband standing in kitchen, I see he is murmuring prayers too,
and we smile knowing smiles at each other,
he nods,
together we hug boy, love flowing from our calm
to his turmoil, and he tries to fight but
slowly, gently,
his yells subside and become whimpers and whispers of "I'm sorry mama,
I'm sorry daddy."

And we forgive, of course we do,
and sensitive artist child doesn't even remember why he was upset,
but now the sorrow overtakes him, guilt ridden for having lost control
again
and his seven year old body shakes as he looks up remorseful,
his sadness pouring over with words of contempt,
"I just can't do it right.  Why did God even make us anyway?"

Taken aback, I search for right words, and stammer forth with
apologetics  that are meaningless to a child,
and why am I trying to explain in these terms and
only confusing him?
Husband looks at me
and then he pulls boy to him, wraps arms around and says,
"God made us because He wanted children.  Just as mama and I
wanted you and your brothers and sisters.
 We would have been fine on our own,
but we wanted you to love, to care for, to give to, to love us.
That's what God wanted.  That's why He made us."

And tears stop, and this mama catches her breathe for
this man I married has said it right, more beautifully,
more true than I ever could,
"God wanted children"
and  how could I forget, me,
just moments ago basking in the love of Daddy for daughter,
how could I forget He wanted us, wanted children
and sensitive artist child smiles,
he gets it, God wanted him, us,
and we want him,
and perfection is not a requirement,
the only requirement is love.

*** edited repost, 
still waiting for baby

2 comments:

  1. Oh, I remember this one. How my heart breaks for those sensitive artist boys! I love you. I love seeing your posts. But I really, really want you to have that baby!

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  2. this boy reminds me of myself. asking those hard questions at such a young age. what a wise hubby you have, friend. what a gift. loving you...

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