Wednesday

to give some facts

while my mind is still blank in matters of prose,
i will give you all some facts from my mind and life
these days...

  • two days over due.  it really is frustrating, especially when everyone expected her to be born early and when everyone else you know who was pregnant and due after you has already delivered.  but, i know, all in His timing... it will be perfect.  and the good thing is that i have been able to care for little moses who has been feeling terribly the past few days.  just snuggle and hold and kiss him.  it would be pretty difficult to take care of him like this as well as caring for a newborn... so i'm seeing the positive.
  • i joined pinterest again... i deleted my account awhile back for various reasons, but now that i have no brain to write anything and i am pretty much too pregnant to move, it is the perfect momentary habit.  i may not stay forever, but for now...
  • christmas was super.  relaxing and chaotic all rolled into one... and now i'm really glad it's over.
 
  • i thought of lots of things to write while i was lying in bed last night... now they are all gone.
  • my brother has been staying at our house since monday the 19th, and he vows not to leave until the baby is born.  although he just told me if she's not born by thursday the 29th they have to go.  that's a really long time, but we are loving it.  he is the most sane person in my family, at least the only one who doesn't think i am crazy, and it has been so nice having them here. though my midwife thinks that's why i'm not going into labor, because i'm having a home birth and we have extra people in our house.  so i guess we will see if she's born on the 30th.
 
  • i hate cereal.  when moses eats it he cries and cries.  he never wants to eat from his own bowl, only the twins, and he cries until they give him theirs.  if i wasn't so pregnant i would make some breakfast for them, but for now...
  • it's getting warm here.  we had a few weeks of awesome, cold 60 degrees, but it's supposed to get up to 76 by next week and i am just not okay with that.  i am a seasons person.  i want winter.  i want snow.  instead we might just go hang out at the beach and play in the water at the end of december and this makes me very. sad.
  • my kids are really cute.  it would be neat to see this new one.
  • some of you know this and some don't but my husband was once a pastor, and then we were living in washington for awhile church planting, and now we are back in california (hence the no winter).  God has really been putting church planting on our hearts again, so we will see what comes of that... if you pray you could do that for us... for direction and all that.
  • moses skips everywhere he goes and it is incredibly adorable.
                       


  •  i am incredibly grateful for the friendship of you.  some of you have become such an important part of my life, my children even know you by blog title.  i will talk to my husband about jodi or nancy or jewels or tonia, and my kids will say "oh, the curious acorn, or the out of her mind lady, or the wondering eyes lady or the lady who studies brown."  they especially like when i talk about joann because then they say, "ostriches look funny!" so thank you for your friendship and prayers and i know you are all anxious for this baby too so hopefully she will be here soon.
 

    Monday

    to delight in the after party

    *this, reposted from the day after Christmas last year...
    and a needed reminder as the after party begins*

    Not a present was under the tree,
    the lights which had been shining brightly
    for weeks
    were neglected and not plugged in,
    even the hearth was dark and ashy,
    void of a fire's glow
    there was no cocoa,
    nothing baking,
    no christmas carols playing throughout the house.

    the day lay open before us,
    no plans were had,
    there was no one visiting and
    no one to visit
    it was just,
    simply,
    the day after christmas

    while children played and baby slept,
    a phone call made this mama wonder,
    words spoken on the other end,
    "do they feel the sadness,
    now that the excitement is over?"

    i question the meaning of this,
    and more words come,
    "you know,
    after you unwrapped presents yesterday
    came the boredom,
    and today enters
    the sadness..."

    i muster up a small laugh,
    while my mind ponders these ideas,
    wondering if this is true,
    does christmas end with boredom
    and sadness
    for people,
    maybe even,
    my own children,
    young and precious,
    have i failed to impart meaning into christmas,
    what thoughts of importance have we cultivated
    in our home?

    through with the phone call,
    desperate to know if they get it,
    or if they are experiencing the boredom,
    the sadness,
    i find my young ones,
    playing with new toys,
    together,
    with daddy
    and i sit down quietly,
    not quite sure what to say,
    and waves of uncertainty wash over me,
    but i ask...

    "are you guys sad that christmas is over?"

    they look up at me with curious eyes,
    smiles beaming brightly and i know
    there is no sadness behind them
    and an answer comes from six year old
    josiah,
    "christmas isn't over mama.
    it's always christmas.
    the day of it that we get stuff is fun,
    but after we get to play with our stuff,
    and we get to remember Jesus
    and love each other
    and be nice
    forever, so it's always
    christmas!"

    and i kiss his forehead,
    leave them there playing
    together,
    and whisper heart praise
    to Him,
    smiling,
    knowing they get it,
    and together we can celebrate christmas
    everyday...

    734. everyday, christmas
    735. one day closer to meeting new wee one
    736. week of a house filled with family, laughter, joy
    737. health
    738. kind thoughts and prayers of others
    739. children who get it
    740. little girls singing
    741. the quiet in the after party

    Saturday

    to find peace

    fog is abed out windows in early morning,
    and we sit with candlelight filling our home,
    children eat breakfast of pancakes followed by candy canes
    for 'tis the season,
    and this tired mama settles into quiet morning
    with coffee, blanket and book.

    dark, slow mornings rejuvenate and
    there is something beautiful about
    expectation and
    calm.
    knitting, reading, drawing and
    snuggling are
    the activities at hand and
    the children feel it too,
    this holy calm,
    for they whisper as they speak to one another,
    and i have not heard a cry
    all morning.


    herein lies peace,
    and i will take it while it is so evident,
    and as the day wears on
    with chaos,
    play,
    cries,
    fights and
    laughter,
    i will take it as peace too,
    for it is and
    i will cherish
    each
    moment
    for each
    is
    beauty,
    the quiet and the loud,

     and He is present in both.

    Thursday

    to share this moment

    {this moment}, a Friday ritual.
    A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
    A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
    A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
     
     
    still. 
    no baby.
    linking here

    Monday

    to plant seeds... (a gift for nancy)

    ***and yet another repost, we all know why, this one for my dear friend nancy,
    because it is her favorite, and she keeps yelling at me to have a baby, so i'll give her
    this until i can give her baby pictures***


    I haven't a thing to say to her, and I try not to look at her, but my eyes keep gazing in her direction.
    She is girl who is hurting in so many ways,
    and I am woman who was girl hurting,
    and I have overcome through Him who gives me strength,
    and she can be too,
    but my mouth won't open
    and my feet won't move,
    plastered into the sidewalk
    like the horrible statue of Puck in the downtown center,
    all I can do is stare...

    I see me in her,
    that long ago, attention hungry, willing to do anything to get people to notice me girl,
    and it tears me up inside something fierce,
    when I see myself,
    and know what is happening,
    and I know the Answer,
    but I don't think I can give it,
    because I know I wouldn't have taken it.

    And it all comes back...
    the shaking hands,
    the empty stomach,
    the tears and the ache and everything I wrote and
    everything I did.

    And I remember the Peace 
    which surpasses all understanding,
    how it stilled my hands,
    filled my stomach
    and caused that ache to cease...

    And I long to give it to
    girl dressed in black who
    wears sorrow on her face the way most girls her age wear makeup,
    but I see those who tried to give it to me,
    who only pushed me further away...

    and I recall the one,
    the woman with children,
    all smiling and laughing those beautiful smiles and sweet laughs,
    and I remember thinking she would glare at me with eyes
    that said,
    why must you sit there, why do my children have to see you, why can't you just go away
    and she would walk as far away from sad, life-hating girl as possible,
    the way most mothers with their little ones did.

    But then, she didn't.
    Holding love together while she held her children's hands,
    walking right in front of me,
    so close I could touch them with my scarred hands,
    she smiled at me,
    real, caring, love-sending smile,
    and staring in my eyes spoke words which woke my dying soul,
    "Beautiful day, isn't it?"

    And though she didn't give me life that day,
    she was planting seeds which would be watered one day by someone else,
    and would begin to sprout into this beautiful mess of a tangled but still growing garden
    that I am...

    I walk right by her,
    silent girl crying out louder than all the noise this downtown makes,
    holding hands with two of my little gifts,
    and I find her eyes, dark and full of pain,
    and I smile at her,
    hoping to transfer love with this smile,
    and I say to her,
    "Beautiful day, isn't it?"

    Walking away,
    whispering prayers for her,
    let these seeds be watered and grow...



    Friday

    to share this moment

    {this moment}, a Friday ritual.
    A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
    A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
    A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
    linking with amanda, and still. waiting. for. this guy's baby sister
    to make her arrival

    Thursday

    to learn the love of a f(F)ather

    Wind blows hard on my neck,
    and I shiver fierce, laugh aloud and I wonder
    is this Papa's way of playing, tickling me,
    His child?
    I close green eyes and breathe moment in,
    Him, me, here, us, play,
    I can feel Him, I know Him and
    here is safe, is peace.

    And all is broken with yells from house,
    carried down the street,
    ringing out above the roar of car engines and hungry call of jays overhead.
    I gather self, fighting against urge to stay in this peace,
    but how can I stay when there is no peace for
    the sensitive artist child howling loud over minor frustrations?
    I must go in, try to ease this storm...
    Whispered prayers pour forth while I make way from
    contentment to chaos,
    "Jesus, You know what he needs.  Show us, guide us now, in this moment,
    for his good."
    Door closes and I see my sweet boy crying, yelling,
    desperate for an end to his frustrations,
    frustrations which no one knows but him.
    Husband standing in kitchen, I see he is murmuring prayers too,
    and we smile knowing smiles at each other,
    he nods,
    together we hug boy, love flowing from our calm
    to his turmoil, and he tries to fight but
    slowly, gently,
    his yells subside and become whimpers and whispers of "I'm sorry mama,
    I'm sorry daddy."

    And we forgive, of course we do,
    and sensitive artist child doesn't even remember why he was upset,
    but now the sorrow overtakes him, guilt ridden for having lost control
    again
    and his seven year old body shakes as he looks up remorseful,
    his sadness pouring over with words of contempt,
    "I just can't do it right.  Why did God even make us anyway?"

    Taken aback, I search for right words, and stammer forth with
    apologetics  that are meaningless to a child,
    and why am I trying to explain in these terms and
    only confusing him?
    Husband looks at me
    and then he pulls boy to him, wraps arms around and says,
    "God made us because He wanted children.  Just as mama and I
    wanted you and your brothers and sisters.
     We would have been fine on our own,
    but we wanted you to love, to care for, to give to, to love us.
    That's what God wanted.  That's why He made us."

    And tears stop, and this mama catches her breathe for
    this man I married has said it right, more beautifully,
    more true than I ever could,
    "God wanted children"
    and  how could I forget, me,
    just moments ago basking in the love of Daddy for daughter,
    how could I forget He wanted us, wanted children
    and sensitive artist child smiles,
    he gets it, God wanted him, us,
    and we want him,
    and perfection is not a requirement,
    the only requirement is love.

    *** edited repost, 
    still waiting for baby

    Wednesday

    to yarn along

    so this is not my typical post,
    but i'm just awaiting this baby and she's not coming yet,
    so i want to post something and
    words are far from mind,
    and thus here i am, happy to share with ginny's yarn along
    what i am reading,
    and what i am knitting...


    having (finally) finished the baby blanket,
    but still waiting for the baby,
    i cast on these leg warmers for her little baby legs,
    a super fast and easy pattern,
    i'm working on #2 already.

    and on the reading front,
    never one to be able to read just one a time,
    i'm (still) reading (again) one thousand gifts,
    reading (again) the rhythm of family,
    to the twins little house in the big woods,
    and to all the kids, the birds christmas carol.

    and it's peaceful,
    it's simple,
    it's beautiful,
    and we are waiting...