Wednesday

to fail?

 words have failed me lately,
like all does
fail
but Him,
and days have crept
slowly by
as honey dripping off a spoon,
while we have tried to find a way
back
from endless nothing to
rhythm of every day
and despite all planning,
prayers,
we still find ourselves
not
quite
there.

but He is here with us
on days where
rhythm was lost and
days when rhythm was
never found,
hiding just beyond but
never to be grasped

and i cry for failed days,
days lying on blankets in breeze,
watching jays grab peanuts from feeder,
disappearing as if
they were thieves,
children reading books they love,
playing games of their choosing,
cooking dinner with their tired mama,
whose middle is swelling with
their new sister,
knitting together and
drawing together,
praying and
drinking in His word...

and though rhythm may have failed,
words may have failed,
i wonder
how can these be
failed days?
the failure is of my choosing...
and if i
stop
choosing 
to call them failed days,
i will finally see that
these days are
beautiful.

















































Friday

to share this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. 

 joining soulemama today...

Thursday

to be a rebel

i wasn't supposed to become
a christian,
nope,
no one who knew me would ever have guessed
i would be
one of those Jesus lovers
i made so much fun of

i wasn't supposed to just be
a high school graduate,
with no "higher" education
i was all ready,
SATs taken
performing arts colleges applied for,
i was on my way,
but never got there

i was definitely not supposed to
get married at
19
to someone i had known
4 months
who already had a
6 year old son

i wasn't supposed to have given
birth to
5 children
by the time i was 27,
ask my dad
who said,
"amy,
i know you believe
in the whole Bible thing,
but when God said
'be fruitful and multiply'
i don't think He meant for you
to do it all
 yourself."

i wasn't supposed to view life
from eyes filled with grace,
seeing the pain and beauty
in a world
scarred
and desperate,
trying to impart a bit of
His love whenever,
wherever
i can

i wasn't supposed to see
a little girl
lonely,
neglected,
who shrieked with joy
when i took her outside
because
she was actually being allowed
to go
outside,
a girl with such sad eyes,
who cried when we left
and ran into her tomb
of a home,
begging her daddy to
let us stay,
and driving away in silence,
our family speechless,
no words,
until i look at my husband,
open my mouth,
and he looks at me,
tears in his eyes,
and says first,
"i know.
i want to ask him if we can
have her."
but, of course,
we can't.

i wasn't supposed to forgive
the woman who gives me
dirty looks for having
all these kids i wasn't supposed to have
or pray for
the man who tries to
get my husband fired
or thank God when
we don't have money
to pay rent or
buy food

i wasn't supposed to do
any of this,
but i did,
so i guess i was,
and maybe i'm not
that much of a rebel
after all.


sorry for the repost, mind is wandering lately...