to find...

Heart beating wildly and I freeze
I know I am somewhere I don't belong...

and there is a peace here that my seventeen year old self
isn't allowed to know,
and something tells me I am in a special place, that my feet are
on holy ground.

and the people stare
and I think they see the filth on my feet,
dirtying their holy carpet,
and I think they think if I look at their stained glass windows,
with the sun shining through,
causing oranges, reds and greens to dance around this room,
they will shatter,
just like me.

and what is worse are the stares
from those who know me...
the kids who see my school personality,
who know I listen to music with profanity,
who know I was in a mental hospital less than a year ago,
who know that I am dripping with mess and
and they know my very presence is
a stain...

and yet I keep walking,
for my hurt, starving soul is desperate to be here,
to feel this peace,
to live in the joy evident on the faces of these people...
and when my bruised feet stand before a chair,
and music starts flowing creating a supernatural air of beauty in the holy place...

Voices lifted up together,
each voice representing the wrecked person who was
built again by the precious Lamb,
and my hesitations melt away beneath this song
of common love and adoration,
of gratefulness and praise...

and though I know not what the words mean,
I sing them too,
because my heart feels them, I know they are real,
they are alive and they are truth...

and when the tears fall in a rush down my face,
and I know they are dripping to the floor of this holy place,
and my heart cannot stand it anymore,
it feels like it might explode,
I know nothing to do besides run...

out into the open,
where I can breathe again,
where body shakes with sobs I cannot control
and someone comes and whispers prayers
and shows me how to love

and I begin this pilgrimage
of love,
and peace
that I have been on for over eleven years...

and I know that I am still dripping with a mess,
but now it no longer defines me,
because His grace is sufficient
and His strength is made perfect in my weakness...

and so I give thanks...

641 wonderfully amazing starry night
642 reunion for my husband with some dear friends
643 Peace
644 daddy camping out front with kids
645 cool nights
646 titmice in the bird house
647 delicious new dessert... thanks megan!
648 piles of books still to be read
649 a beautiful, always there friend
650 discovering an apricot tree in our yard
651 beginning to feel baby, amazing
652 being given a $50 gift certificate to a restaurant... soon to be date night
653 encouraging words


  1. You know what? That's exactly how I felt when my nineteen year old self walked into a church the night I got saved. You have a gift of being able to share God's truth in a very relate-able way. Love you, Amy. For real.

  2. So thankful for God's grace that drew you inside the stained glass and held you close, because it's more powerful than the stares.

    Starry nights keep showing up on my gratitude list (which I'm still keeping, unofficially--it's kind of a hard habit to break). Star-filled skies seem to captivate my son in some strange, unspoken way. I look up and remember they were a symbol of God's promise to Abraham. And, they're way cool. Especially when viewed from the pool on a hot summer night.

    Love you beautiful friend!

  3. I was 19 the first time I went back to church. I felt all these emotions you describe.
    I was so afraid to be rejected. Though really I'd been rejecting myself, my true self for years.
    Still, somehow, greater than my fear was my need to be healed.
    So glad you found your place of healing too Amy :)

  4. Beautiful, it is so wonderful how the Holy Spirit draws us even when surrounded by the brokenness of other and the awareness of our own brokenness this is the grace of God.

  5. So beautiful! Why is it that we often focus and become fearful because of the filth that lay on our feet? I wonder how many friendships I have missed out on because I was too afraid to show them the messy me and be loved through it? Thank you for sharing.