to explain myself

Okay, here goes...
We have baby 6, our child 7
on the way.
I'm sick.
So I'm not around much.
But I wanted to let you all know my friends.
I will visit you,
and write here
as often as I can.
Love to you.


to let my arms pop up

that step of faith remains buried
it's like all that stuff i did
that i wish i didn't
and i hide it away,
in fear of what will come
if it is unearthed

it's down so deep
and freedom is just beyond reach,
and all i have to do is dig it out,
but what if...
and every time the what if's come
it is buried just a little more
and i am reminded the hard part
is taking that step
that once i do,
God moves,
like moses
who had to raise his arms,
God parted the red sea,
and i wonder if he was like me,
frightened about what would happen
if he took that step
of faith,
if he raised his arms,
because he knew he had to,
but maybe that faith was so deep,
so deep,
he had to reach inside himself and pull it out,
rummage around inside,
through the junk, the sin, the fear,
the pain, the trial and error,
until finally he grabbed hold of it,
and up popped his arms,
and God said,
there we go,
and the sea parted...

so here i am,
and i've found quite a bit i want to forget,
but i think i've almost found that faith,
i feel it in my hands,
i think my arms are starting to pop up...

(this is a repost, been a bit sick still, but wanting to pop in and say hello)


to come out of hiding

I admit,
I am crawling out from behind my shade,
where I have been silent, waiting, peering.
And though yes,
we have been sick, and
have had some life surprises yet to be mentioned,
mostly I have been hiding because of
I am one of those people who is
alone in a crowd,
and always have been.
The one who stands in a room of people
and knows she is different,
she is odd.
And it has weighed on me all of my life,
causing me to question friendships,
to drink cups of self-made rejection for
if they only knew me,
they would reject me anyway.
Slowly it has seeped in here,
into this little private corner of the internet,
the thoughts that if they only knew me,
they're just being nice,
but I am the odd one and no real care
no real friendships can develop because
no one
truly like me.
But then Tonia wrote this post
and it spoke to me intimately.
And suddenly I realized,
we are all a little lonely and insecure,
feeling like the odd one,
we all get a little anxious, waiting for friendship
and wondering if it is real and
how long it can last.  We all make up that crowd,
and yet each one of us feels like the one
a bunch of alone sisters (and brothers) together and so
we are not alone.
It's not just me.  How selfish of me to think so.
So I'm crawling out of my hiding place now,
blushing and shy,
but coming out nonetheless,
and arms are extended,
awaiting a friend to fall into them...
and as you might feel the odd one too,
I whisper to you,
you are not alone.
I will be your friend,
will you be mine?

485  tonia and her wise words
486 the gentle guiding of others
487 a crying daughter running into her daddy's waiting arms
488 plays created be children for mother's day
489 a family spoiling this mama
490 new life
491 sleeping baby breathe on my neck
492 encouragement
493 stellar's jay hopping around
494 small waterfalls
495 deer standing near us, staring, not running away
496 the excitement of a daughter
497 not changing one diaper for an entire day
498 healing words