to be a rebel

i wasn't supposed to become
a christian,
no one who knew me would ever have guessed
i would be
one of those Jesus lovers
i made so much fun of

i wasn't supposed to just be
a high school graduate,
with no "higher" education
i was all ready,
SATs taken
performing arts colleges applied for,
i was on my way,
but never got there

i was definitely not supposed to
get married at
to someone i had known
4 months
who already had a
6 year old son

i wasn't supposed to have given
birth to
5 children
by the time i was 27,
ask my dad
who said,
i know you believe
in the whole Bible thing,
but when God said
'be fruitful and multiply'
i don't think He meant for you
to do it all

i wasn't supposed to view life
from eyes filled with grace,
seeing the pain and beauty
in a world
and desperate,
trying to impart a bit of
His love whenever,
i can

i wasn't supposed to see
a little girl
who shrieked with joy
when i took her outside
she was actually being allowed
to go
a girl with such sad eyes,
who cried when we left
and ran into her tomb
of a home,
begging her daddy to
let us stay,
and driving away in silence,
our family speechless,
no words,
until i look at my husband,
open my mouth,
and he looks at me,
tears in his eyes,
and says first,
"i know.
i want to ask him if we can
have her."
but, of course,
we can't.

i wasn't supposed to forgive
the woman who gives me
dirty looks for having
all these kids i wasn't supposed to have
or pray for
the man who tries to
get my husband fired
or thank God when
we don't have money
to pay rent or
buy food

i wasn't supposed to do
any of this,
but i did,
so i guess i was,
and maybe i'm not
that much of a rebel
after all.

linking with em...


  1. Wow, this is powerful. It is interesting the unlikely circumstances we find ourselves in, isn't it?

    I never finished my degree. I got married at 19. I'm watching people my age (28) accomplish things I always saw myself doing, while instead I devote my energy to being a parenting and making a living. And yet, though there are days I feel otherwise, I love my life and am grateful for the course it has taken. Thanks for writing this.

  2. whew! Breathless! You have done so many wonderful things for a girl who wasn't supposed to :). You must have such a beautiful life...

  3. So beautifully written!
    Praise God for His plans breaking forth and surprising. It's amazing what we see when we look back and look for God's fingerprints and brush strokes across our lives.

  4. "so i guess i was,
    and maybe i'm not
    that much of a rebel
    after all."

    so thankful that you did all that someone thought you weren't supposed to do... Someone else knew you would :}

  5. Wow! I almost feel like I know you--great writing!

  6. So many of us "I wasn't supposed to..." people...upside down, inside out kingdom people.

  7. just just beautiful. i want to write something deep and meaningful, but your words take my breath away.

  8. This gave me chills. I love a little rebellion now and then!! :)

  9. you have had quite the journey and i think you are an ordinary rebel in your own right for going through it...smiles.

  10. this amy, you revealed so much in this. i hope this gets published one day. God is doing big in you. so big. i see the kingdom come in your tears, in your prayers, in your life. you bless me.

  11. Wow, that was wonderfully written! Thank you for your inspiring transparency!!!

  12. You are a rebel--the best kind, going against the flow, and shining in the dark. Press on.

  13. woulda, coulda, shoulda...god has you right where he wants you...
    your life is beautiful...

  14. God's hand is so evident as you retrace these steps of your life.

    What a treasure you are ...

    You are the beautiful byproduct of a loving and unpredictable God!

  15. oh, love! what could be a totally silly response would be saying this reminds me of someone's facebook post just today saying her 23 yo feminist self would not approve of her 33yo married at home w/ kids self... and yet i got that, and i get this too. i absolutely loved hearing your journey in this lovely poem. so glad to have met you here in this space, amy!

  16. It is interesting hearing that you also were married at 19 - and did other things you weren't "supposed to do." Your poem is touching. God prepares our way (Ephesians 2:10) I believe. I have three children but there are some who were very surprised when I went on to have more than two. Then when I decided to home teach in the 1980s I really become strange. Isn't it grand to have the freedom in America to be strange. I pray our children will have the same freedom.
    Karen A.