to watch the new year fall like snow...

there was snow
lots of snow
and it was piling up outside,
and still falling
and my face was plastered to the window,
in awe,
this was my first year in snow
and it was taking my breath away

new years eve,
stuck to a window,
and not just me,
but my children too,                     
only 5 at the time,
and it was just beautiful
our first snowy winter,
and i hesitated to look away
for fear of losing the holy moment,
for to me it was a holy moment,
so much that tears were rolling down my cheeks
and all noise was gone,
and prayers were being whispered from
my trembling lips

for this snow
made me understand new years eve
before this snow
celebrations eluded me,
i could not grasp the point of celebrating the year changing,
even as a child
i didn't care,
y2k, 17 years old,
i spent that new years eve alone,
in bed at ten,
it was all so pointless to me

but this snow,
perfect and white and glistening,
everything i saw,
that i was used to seeing every day,
looked innocent and new,
it was a new place, a new world,
a new experience,
new feeling
and i could think of nothing else but His words,
“Behold, I make all things new."
and i felt it, i knew it was true,
and here i was,
a NEW creation,
with my family ready to celebrate
this NEW year
looking on this NEW world
and the Author of it all was watching
and loving
and making

and i understood,
with my face to the window,
tears in my eyes
and praise on my lips,
i was celebrating the new year,
because He makes new,
 the old has gone, the New has come...

happy new year my friends,
may it be a holy moment for you,
anticipating the new
that He brings...


to delight in the after party

Not a present was under the tree,
the lights which had been shining brightly
for weeks
were neglected and not plugged in,
even the hearth was dark and ashy,
void of a fire's glow
there was no cocoa,
nothing baking,
no christmas carols playing throughout the house.

the day lay open before us,
no plans were had,
there was no one visiting and
no one to visit
it was just,
the day after christmas

while children played and baby slept,
a phone call made this mama wonder,
words spoken on the other end,
"do they feel the sadness,
now that the excitement is over?"

i question the meaning of this,
and more words come,
"you know,
after you unwrapped presents yesterday
came the boredom,
and today enters
the sadness..."

i muster up a small laugh,
while my mind ponders these ideas,
wondering if this is true,
does christmas end with boredom
and sadness
for people,
maybe even,
my own children,
young and precious,
have i failed to impart meaning into christmas,
what thoughts of importance have we cultivated
in our home?

through with the phone call,
desperate to know if they get it,
or if they are experiencing the boredom,
the sadness,
i find my young ones,
playing with new toys,
with daddy
and i sit down quietly,
not quite sure what to say,
and waves of uncertainty wash over me,
but i ask...

"are you guys sad that christmas is over?"

they look up at me with curious eyes,
smiles beaming brightly and i know
there is no sadness behind them
and an answer comes from six year old
"christmas isn't over mama.
it's always christmas.
the day of it that we get stuff is fun,
but after we get to play with our stuff,
and we get to remember Jesus
and love each other
and be nice
forever, so it's always

and i kiss his forehead,
leave them there playing
and whisper heart praise
to Him,
knowing they get it,
and together we can celebrate christmas

continuing to count my gifts...

it's always christmas
beautiful young ones who don't get bored or sad at the "end"
christmas dinner with my mama
two wonderful weeks with my little sister
God's constant provision, even when we can't see the way
being blessed
a husband who delights in play and guiding his children
the quiet moments, few though they may be...

linking with ann today



to finally get it

most christmas eves i spent
flying from san luis obispo california
to sacramento
or vice versa
to spend christmas with my mom
or dad
and i would spend the flight
with my face plastered to the window
watching for santa
and the adults on board would play around
telling me they thought they saw him

and then one year,
i think i was eleven,
i spent christmas eve
with my thirteen year old brother
in lax
(los angeles international airport)
because the weather prevented us from landing
in sacramento

the weather was so bad
in san luis
that we couldn't fly home either
so lax is where we stayed
for hours
and it was dark and scary
and we were two kids alone in an
enormous airport
and i was afraid to go to the bathroom

around ten
we flew to santa barbara
and a shuttle drove us home
the two hours,
pulling in right about midnight
christmas eve/morning

it's a good thing i had already stopped believing
in santa
or else i would have lost it all then
and a little of my childish dreams
did die that christmas eve
as we walked in the doors of our house
we had left hours earlier,
and the presents were already stacked high
under the tree,
a sight i never,
as a child,
wanted to see
until i woke up christmas morning

that year christmas lost most of its magic
and afterward it was just
a day
a day to get stuff

and years went by and
i loved christmas still
i loved it selfishly,
never beyond getting time off school
and drooling over my heap of presents

until i experienced my first christmas alive,
the year i met Grace, Love, Hope,
and i understood the other half of christmas carols
that never made sense before
about a baby being born,
the world rejoicing
and a holy night...

it was as if after 18 years of life,
my eyes were finally opened,
and i got it
i rejoiced that christmas because now
it finally made sense,
i knew what we were celebrating,
i knew why,
and i could care less if there was something under the tree,
for i was celebrating Love

*written for part of christmas in verse at the high calling blogs...*


to search for the bff

girls are cheesy,
and sappy,
they giggle and use their emotions
to get what they want
this was my excuse,
growing up,
for shunning the close companionship
of my gender

and maybe the real reason was
i was cute
and having boys for friends was
much more beneficial
because they would do whatever i wanted
and if i called they would drive hours
to save me
from the negative situations i got myself into

but i learned i was manipulative,
and i met my  man,
and my real male friends became his friends more than mine,
as it should be,
and over time they married,
and i tried to make friends with their wives,
but i find it so hard to make good friends

and today
  nancy wrote a delightful post
and i adore it,
and her,
i want what she has,
in a friend,
i find myself longing,
my longing turning into determination,
and i will,
i must,
find myself a girl best friend...

any takers? :)


to be an advent failure

i have been reading post after post
on advent
and my heart has been stirred to
begin this tradition in our home

so i sewed some pouches filled with chocolate
and hung them in our dining room
and each night we take the treats out,
eat them,
and i printed up ann's jesse tree devotional
and it's beautiful
and we have done each night
and the kids love it

but still it feels like something is missing,
like we are following everyone else,
but nothing is real,
nothing is ours...

i read without reading on our rocking chair,
watching my children instead,
girls playing with our nativity scene,
having broken off joseph's hand and a wise man's gift,
one of the wise men saying to another,
"jesus's mom is awesome!"

brother and sister reading christmas books on the couch,
discussing what they can make for gifts,
sis making a book of nature poems for grandma,
brother drawing pictures for all...

eldest child walks in the room,
looks around at our decorated living room,
wooden "joy" on the mantel,
christmas books spread all over the floor,
fire blazing,
and asks "where's the christmas music?"

as the room fills with frank sinatra bellowing
o holy night,
 husband stokes the fire,
and little ones huddle around to watch,
eyes glowing and
smiles huge...

artist child says,
"mama, can you read more of the christmas carol?"
and everyone's ears perk up
to hear more of scrooge's visit with the
ghost of christmas past

this is advent,
my family.
i realize we don't need to follow everyone's ideas,
for in those i fail,
we just need to do what we do,
love each other,
spend each day enjoying
and waiting
to celebrate His birth...

and we will continue our jesse tree,
and our advent calendar,
as long as my young ones enjoy it,
but for us,
our advent celebration is just

linking with emily