to be ever changing

heartache grabs hold of me,
i don't understand where it came from
or why
but i argue with my fickle self
about my fickle self

and just yesterday
i was floating
filled with such glee and
fearing nothing,
tossing aside the anxiety that threatened me,
trusting in Him

and where does it go?
oh, unfaithful self,
always wavering from contentment to want,
trust to fear,
peace to anxiety.

that i could look upon Him,
glorious and mighty,
loving and compassionate,
and i could stand strong...

oh fickle me,
oh Lord,
the antithesis of fickle,
always there,
always consistent,
everything there is to be grateful for
lies in You.

linking with emily

to find a way to give thanks

i grapple with ungratefulness
like a leech attached to my body,
sucking my life-blood out of me,
and i beat myself up internally
because i can't believe i would find it difficult
to give thanks

and it's not that i can't find things to be grateful for
but more it's this overwhelming discontent
that creeps up on me
in life's shadows
and blocks the sun of blessing
so i forget all that is there

and yes this is wonderful,
and God did this for us,
and i am so grateful,
but i'm just not quite feeling it,
and i'm getting so frustrated with myself,
and i feel that all too familiar breath of
darkness on my neck,
and i determine i will not turn around to
let it pull me in,
i will find a way to give thanks today

and i hear it,
softly at first,
then louder,
until it is so loud that my cold heart
hears it
and stirs,
and it's three year old daughter,
pounding out unknown sounds on her piano,
and singing with her most beautiful of
off key three year old voices
her own song,
written in her warm heart,
"oh my God, He saves"
over and over,
she plays,
she sings,
and i tear up with joy and gratitude
and now i can do nothing
except give thanks,
and i do
and darkness flees...

pondering how to give thanks today with ann...



to be where everybody knows your name

the cold air slaps our faces
and mist from the nearby ocean showers down on us
the kids think it's raining
and we tell them otherwise

smells of the barbecue waft through downtown,
tri tip grilling overloads our senses,
and yet we walk on
and the kids ogle over various fresh fruits,
strawberries or
they cannot decide,
while i choose
bell peppers and avocados,
delighted to be here,
my home,
the thursday night farmer's market
i have not attended in years

and baby is on my chest in carrier,
while twins sit shell shocked in double stroller,
pushed by daddy,
six and eight year olds hold my hands,
frightened and yet in awe of this new environment,
while eldest walks in pace with the stroller,
and i'm sure we are a sight here,
but i don't care,
for i am home
and mist is washing over me,
wetting my face,
and i lick my lips and feel the moisture in
my mouth,
and peace just envelopes me...

we walk on,
my children amazed at
my stopping six times in twenty minutes
to hug
and talk to
people i know...
never have they seen their mother
know so many people
in a crowded public place,
and every time they ask,
who was that,
and every time i respond,
a friend...

my children have never known
so many friends

the place of friends,
and to raise my children here...

for this i am so grateful
to Him
this holiday season
just saying hello...
we have made it,
moved in,
trying to get settled,
and loving it.

hope all is well my friends,
hope to be writing again soon.