To be restored

Body aching, weak, unable to walk.

Stomach hurting, head pounding.

Unable to eat, the body getting weaker.

This mama has been sick, 4 days sick.

The fear set in early.  I knew things would be okay, I knew children would be taken care of, but I wasn't quite sure how baby would do.  Lying in bed upstairs, I had visions of him crying, no one able to calm him down, because they were not who he wanted.

When it came time for him to eat, husband would bring him up to me, his baby face wide eyed and smiling.

"I think he's hungry," husband whispers, "he's starting to fuss a little."

My achy body slowly fights to sit up, reaches out for little man, and nurses him and loves on him desperately because this is all I can give him right now.  When he finishes, he is asleep and I am exceedingly grateful because now I can just lie down and hold him.  I watch him while he sleeps, so beautiful, so peaceful.  My body hurts, my head hurts, but my heart is in such peace, I am in love with this infant, so amazing.

After awhile he begins to stir, and opens his blue eyes, looking up at me, smiling his wide smile.  He becomes playful and squirmy, and I can no longer snuggle with him on the bed.  Husband comes to get him, he tells me what a good boy little Moses is being, how sweet and happy.

My fear subsides.  My illness continues.

In turn, I fear for everyone.  The twins will need me for this.  Josiah will need me for that.  Layla will need something. Ian will get tired from doing too much.  Can my husband do it all?

Yet every evening, when I pull myself out of bed and crawl slowly down the stairs to collapse on the couch, to spend a bit of time with my family whom I miss so intensely, I see... things look normal, people are okay.

There are things on the floor, but it's mostly clean.
Dinner is being served...meat, veggies and another side.
Some children will eat, some won't... and that's normal.
Children smile and hug me and tell me some things about their day.
Twins snuggle with me on the couch, then bigger kids too, and my weak body is covered in love.

I make it back into my bed, and now I can rest.

I mumble delirious prayers of gratitude...
for a husband who will take all upon himself so I can rest
for a teenage son who will do whatever he needs to do so I can rest
for children who are okay in difficult circumstances , and
for a God who makes all things so because He knows that we need to rest and sometimes He will allow the circumstances so that we can and He will make sure all things are taken care of so that we can... REST.

Today I awaken, completely rejuvenated.  I begin tasks... folding four loads of laundry (washed but not folded over the past four days), wiping counters, sweeping crumbs, planning meals... all with a restored attitude.  Singing with my daughter while she helps alongside, I am so glad to be up and doing these things for my family.

And I pause, and remember... REST BRINGS RESTORATION.

1 "Come, let us return to the LORD.
       He has torn us to pieces
       but he will heal us;
       he has injured us
       but he will bind up our wounds.
 2 After two days he will revive us;
       on the third day he will restore us,
       that we may live in his presence.
 3 Let us acknowledge the LORD;
       let us press on to acknowledge him.
       As surely as the sun rises,
       he will appear;
       he will come to us like the winter rains,
       like the spring rains that water the earth." 

Hosea 6: 1-3

My joy has been restored.  And gratitude flows...

holy experience

1 comment:

  1. I really connected with this post, I have been this sick with a nurshing baby and basically done the same exact thing! What a moving and beautiful post, I really appreciated it!