Thursday

The whys

Why mama?

Why can't I?

Why won't you let me just this once?

Why?




A day spent with an abundance of the question, why? Little children not understanding mama's reasons.

I like to tell my children yes, I will tell them yes even when it requires much of me, but sometimes I just can't say yes. It just wouldn't be right, it wouldn't be good for them. I ask them to trust me.

Why mama?

Trust me baby.


They smile, nod, and hug me.

Night falls.

I find myself lying in bed beside my dear husband. This night my emotions get the best of me. Tears fall because my husband's job has an unpredictable schedule which daily leaves me wondering when he will be home. They fall because we are so close to paying off our mini-van and yet so very far away. They fall because two years living here and I still feel like a stranger, and sometimes want to go home, and know I can't. They fall because our dreams have been put on hold.

Why?

Oh Lord why won't You just give us a break in something?
Work something out for us right now, please...

Why don't You?


And I find myself crying my whys out loud. And I find my husband's hands on my back, gently turning me towards him.

"Because He knows better. He is working things out for us, but in the right way. Not in your way. He knows best. Trust Him."

TRUST HIM. I hear my answer to my children... trust me. Trust Him.

I cry harder now, knowing he is right. I need to trust my Father. He knows best.
Just as I ask my children to trust me...

But how hard it is for me,
trusting when I don't understand,
when my way makes sense.

How hard it must be for my young ones,
trusting though they don't understand.

TRUST ME...

And they smile, nod and hug me.

TRUST HIM...

Thank you Jesus, I will trust You.

Wednesday

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in His arms
and carries them close to His heart;
He gently leads those that have
young."

Isaiah 40:11


I follow His example.

As He guides me, I will guide.

I guide my children gently.

Lord let me love like You.

Lord help me to be a gentle shepherd to my children.


Mercy Mothering

"Be merciful just as your Father is merciful."
Luke 6:36

And He is.

So I must be.

"My child, you are constantly behaving in the same way. You know you shouldn't."

Young face peers into mine.

"I'm sorry mama. I won't do it again. I'm sorry."

I hear myself say, "Don't say you are sorry. You always say that. You are always sorry. You always say you will not do it again."

And then I stop, tears come to my eyes.

Isn't that what I always say to my Father? "O Lord, forgive me. I am so sorry. I won't do it again."

And then I do.

And again I plead forgiveness, my heart breaking as I once again do what I wish I would not. My heart comforted as I know He forgives and will next time and next time...

Oh my child, how could I expect you to do what I cannot? How can I tell you not to say sorry when those words drip from my mouth in prayer daily? What if my Father, my Lord said to me, "Don't say sorry. You always do. You never change."

He never would.

I must never.

I call my child back, "Apologize my dear. It's okay. You are forgiven. I know you are trying and I am so glad. I love you.

And the love runs deep, and the grace flows...