Wednesday

to look and see

Sometimes I dream and
sometimes I laugh. I can’t remember
the last time I stood and saw.
“Look and See,” I watch
the movie made of my
friend Wendell and I wonder
does he know of his
impact?

When I was a kid I
hated being outdoors, there
never seemed to be anything
to
do
and why are kids always obsessed with having
something to do?
I remember when I first found peace in
creation, being outside.
when I stepped out, looked up,
breathed deep,
peace overwhelming,
oh this,
this is what they mean,
and suddenly it was everything and all I
wanted was that peace, that
overwhelming blessed knowing of
being outdoors.

do we all reach a point where
we are deprogrammed,
our allegiance is no longer to the rich,
the material, the consumer?
do we all reach a point where
we see it for what it is,
bullshit,
and we walk off,
never looking back?
God I hope so.
for the sake of the babies, the trees, the birds,
the flowers, the bees, the ocean.
for the sake of
our world, the sake
of our souls.
God I hope so.


Saturday

to miss being naive




ive been missing so many things lately.
like been in this perpetual state of
lamentation.
i have this friend that is like my jimminey cricket,
though she wouldn't like me putting her on
that pedestal,
because, see,
she's like jimminey cricket,
and she questioned and questioned and made me think and
so i realized something.

i miss being naive.
i miss reading blogs of people inspiring and
contemplating their lives and
being inspired to try and live the same.
i miss thinking this idealistic way of life is possible,
that there's this way of going
against the grain that
will produce the life and
the children that
i desire. i used to think,
if i just emulate her,
if i just do this,
if i,
then,
but now i know better.
and i know better for so many reasons,
but one is so superficial.
i know because of instagram. i know because
i have become one of those people, those
moms who have it all together,
who live a beautiful life and
can give advice.
but
i know the truth too.
i know the pain behind those smiles,
the fighting behind those children,
the mess behind those walls.
i know how fake it all is.
i know how to inspire because
ive been inspired and
i know all the right answers but
im false. im just false.

i miss being able to go to my computer,
check my favorite blogs,
read things to make my heart soar,
to set me in the right direction,
to give me focus for my days.
i miss the naivete that came with being a super
young mama in
the days of new blogs.
when facebook was this random new medium for
teens and
instagram was unheard of.
i miss that i avoided news and lived in an
ignorant state of
bliss.
i miss that i believed that i could live a simple life,
raise my kids without tv and video games,
grow my food, hang my laundry,
write,
read,
knit,
drink tea,
and that i would be passing this beautiful way of life
down to my kids who
would thank me and never doubt
the way they were raised.

but now i know better.
but i wish i didn't.
the question lies,
asked by my jimminey cricket, (i'm sorry, i'm sorry my friend, but
you help me think, you give me pause, you help me find clarity)
how will i choose to move forward?


Wednesday

to not care

Would you mind if I wrote again,
if i tapped out these words and tried to say the things
i haven't said in so long?
there's probably no one here any longer,
things have changed and this online world of words has run dry,
exchanged for status updates and over edited photos that reek of
fantasy and idolatry and are mostly void of honesty and life.
but i might try.
because words are all i have and it's pure and it's open and
i don't need the likes or the followers, i
just need to scribble down the heart and leave it,
walk away and let it flow and
God woke me when He shook me when He told me
I am letting it all go.
my heart rests and i will not lose it,
i will wrap it up, taped in plain ol paper and
i will let it be unveiled gently or violently or
however one finds themselves unwrapping words.
there is truth and i cannot hide behind that wall anymore,
with it's unbreakable brick keeping the masses captive.
as i write i feel free and
i may never stop.
we drift and i say hello and you
look to the heavens trying to ignore me and
i think that it's okay. ignore me or love me or
smile slightly in that friendly but not too way,
hate me, enjoy me, laugh at me, cry, delight, despise,
it matters not. because
i found freedom and
once again,
i like me.


Tuesday

Is it worth it?

Rights.
When your rights mean someone else is suffering, are they
worth it?
When your freedom means bondage for others, is it worth it?
Where do you draw the line?


Thursday

To walk deep

There's a peace I know that
Often hides when my soul is crowded with life and
It creeps around without sound,
Waiting for me to seek it again.
How often we let ourselves be distracted by
Everything and
Forget to find that peace.

I wander in and out of halls and dressing rooms,
In search of something and I cannot quite
Remember what it is, but
I know I cannot live without it and
Somewhere a voice whispers and I almost,
Almost hear it but
Hello, life again,
Hiding it, crowding it.

Can they co-exist or is it a forever
Battle? Is there a way to walk through life,
Led by peace? She dreams deep and
He dreams deep and they walk, deep.



Friday

But what?

i find it hard to live and not be overwhelmed by injustice.
it hurts, you guys.
watching black men be gunned down by law enforcement.
watching peaceful native Americans trampled by law enforcement while
just trying to protect their land and all of our water.
children in extreme poverty.
men who work ridiculously hard only to not make ends meet.
i don't know how to find peace anymore.
i don't know how to offer peace.
im so distraught.
i want to do something.
but what can I do?

Wednesday

i feel fine

things change, yeah?
when I look back through this blog at all my posts from the past
nearly 7 years, I
find myself in such awe of the changes we have gone through and
all that has occurred.
I ended this blog.
I don't really intend to write here anymore but then,
things change, yeah?
not every change is what we want but
every change shapes us and
every event moves in harmony with the precious
dance of our lives.
I can't tell you that you'd like me anymore but
I can't tell you that you wouldn't.
maybe you'd like me more.
maybe.

but what hasn't changed in the past 7 years?
my love for my family, my love and devotion to god.
that may be it.
oh, and my love for books. and homeschooling. and knitting. and nature.
I suppose I could say not everything has been change,
but more an evolution. an evolution of what was already
there, seeds that were planted,
now sprout forth and out.
and if I write, I write of the flowers now blossoming
in my soul, that once were hidden or different.

things change, yeah?
but I feel peace.
I feel joy.
I feel fine.